She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
