Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
