I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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