You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize