I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
