I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
