Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Princesses don't give blow jobs
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
