Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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