This is not my ceiling
that's an acceptable place to lick
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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