You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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