I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
