I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
