he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That accounts for only three of the penises
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
