lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
