sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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