I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
