i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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