You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
