it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
