true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
