I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
