remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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