you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize