miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize