oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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