Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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