burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
