I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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