Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
