Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
