Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
