I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
