just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
