He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
