My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
