what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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