sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
