I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
