Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
