dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He passed out mid-signature
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
