My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
