If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
