I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
