the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I could fuck to npr.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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