my phone needs a breathalizer
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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