I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
