her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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