First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think a kid would responsible me up
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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