It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
