I have demons in me.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
