i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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