it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
