why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
