plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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