Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
