You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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