if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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