Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
