i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
