He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
