Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
