I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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