You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
