Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
