The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
